Where is home?

Yesterday we went to friends' 25th wedding anniversary on Bainbridge Island. Chris and Jim have been friends since kindergarten and although their paths have been very different, their lives have touched each other, on and off, through the years. Jim and Kit have lived on Bainbridge since they married and Kit was born and raised in Gig Harbor. Other friends at the party were friends of many years, and Kit's sister was there too.

It made me sad.

I have moved around so much over the years, I have no roots in any place. Well, that's not quite true. I still feel like South Africa is "home." It's the place I think of and yearn for. Even with the deterioration of society there, it still has the draw. Maybe New Zealand will have it too, or maybe it's the draw of family.

I have always felt transient. In every place I've lived, I've not had that closeness that one apparently gets when they live in a place for an extended period. I have friends here, Susan and Janet, who are friends wherever I am, and Rosemary in South Africa and Betsy in Carpenteria. Janet and Susan have both lived here for 25+ years and their families are close by. Rosemary has lived in the same area of South Africa all her life and although two of her kids are in England, the others are close and she has a huge circle of friends. Even though Betsy has moved around SoCal a lot, she has been there for I don't know how long and has lots of close friends.

But I am scattered. Ryan and Cody in Southern California and even there, they are miles apart, one in Carlsbad and the other in Los Angeles. Zoze and Jenni in New Zealand. Biff and Mick in South Africa. Rosemary in South Africa too. Even Susan and Janet are a long way from me, or it feels that way. I don't have a base in one place.

Is this bad? Good? I don't know. I just know that it is very lonely at times and I long for that closeness and connection. I wonder why I haven't really connected with any place I've lived? Maybe my childhood has cast a shadow over me that I need to climb out from.