I realize as I sit around here waiting, that for the past two years I have not taken any time at all to really think about what my life is all about. It's been one mad rush of making money, buying a house, work, work, work. There has been no time for contemplation or getting my priorities in order. It's this forced inactivity that has brought me back to basics.
Which takes me to the title of this post - Thoughts are Things. The only thoughts I have had are basic survival thoughts, of maintaining and getting through things. And that is what I have in my life. None of the good stuff, the dreams, the hopes and aspirations that are so important in life. I have managed to put all those aside and replaced them with what I consider material matters. There's nothing wrong with wanting and thinking about those sort of things, but what I have done is thought about them so much that there has been little room for anything else.
What happened to my ideas and dreams of writing full-time? Of traveling the world? Of living in a warm climate where I can swim in the warm waters every day? Why have I allowed myself to be drawn into a life that is, at least for me, very unfulfilling? One that, when I look back at the past few years (hell, last 20 if I'm truthful) have been geared toward other people's wants and needs.
I certainly can't blame anyone but myself for this - I can say it's my childhood, or fear, or wanting to be wanted, all the pop-psych type responses. But it boils down to where I am now - which is not the place (geographically or mentally, emotionally or spiritually) where I want to be.
So now I have to look long and hard at this life of mine.
Everything happens for a reason and this illness or whatever it is, has come at the right time to make me re-assess what is going on. For some people in my life, the changes that I will have to make may not be logical, or even reasonable. I don't know yet what they are - there are little niggles in the back of my mind though, and I probably do know but I maybe am just not ready to look yet.