Still Waiting

I should know better than to expect an answer on the biopsy as early as yesterday but still I was hoping. So maybe today I'll get a call and an answer. All sorts of nasty things go around in my brain wondering what is going on when I don't have definitive answers. I try to keep busy but the thoughts are there, constantly in the background, grinding away. My biggest fear is that this is not the giant cell arteritis that they think (currently) but that it could be lupus. There. I put it out there. It's been eating at me. And one of the biggest things with that nasty deal is that you get really sun sensitive which would mean bye bye tropical vacations and any thought of ever living somewhere warm. So I have to think positive and if thinking that I positively have something other that "that" then I must do so. It's difficult to believe and think and meditate on that there is nothing wrong with me because the tests show there is. I have to believe that my mind can take control over this and be stronger than my physical being and remove what is wrong and make it right. The fear is what holds me back. I hate feeling this way, I don't want to be so slow and feel so damn old.

I am doing what I am supposed to be doing - taking my med, supplements, eating right and sleeping right and moving around a lot more - even though I am not going for designated "walks" I am making an effort to move around the house a lot, up and down the stairs a lot, not just sitting like I was before. So yesterday I did feel like I had more energy - not quite so fatiqued.

And I cooked a really delicious chicken dish that I found in Dr. Weils Healthy Kitchen It's called Santa Fe Chicken and I did the Spanish Rice to go with it. The chicken gets marinated in lime juice and lots of garlic and soy and spices and turns out so light and moist, with a really delicate flavor. Add lots of a mild salsa and a glob of sour cream. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm

Cooking from scratch is something I haven't been doing for a long time. It always seems that I've been in a hurry to get food on the table and I forgot how therapeutic this can be. Juicing the limes spreads that wonderful scent around the house and the oil from the skin lingers for ages. Sure I use the food processer to chop stuff up, but even taking the time to do that, instead of taking the quick and easy route of taking something out of the freezer, adds to the pleasure. The other day when I made lemon curd, I stood for half an hour stirring the stuff in a double boiler. Something that in the past 20 years I wouldn't have taken the time to do. Or I would have made excuses that I didn't have the time. But what a Zen experience it was. Just to slow down and carefully watch the pot - it can't be too hot or the eggs will scramble, can't stop stirring or it will get lumpy so slow down almost into a trance and watch it change from a mess of eggs, sugar, globs of butter and lemon to a sweet, delicous and decadent spread.

Even cooking the boring cookies the other day was good. All of it making me slow down to appreciate what is going on in my life and around me. So I found a different recipe and will make them over the weekend. Much more pizzaz I think. But I will need to set aside a lot of time to make them.

I have been wanting my life to be at a slower pace for a long time. I guess I wasn't specific enough in my request for just HOW I want it to slow down. So now when I visualize what it is I want and think about how I want my life to be, I need to say/see exactly what it looks like. When I look at health, it must be excellent health although I never saw myself as being ill or anything like this.

But as They say, everything happens for a reason and obviously I was meant to slow down and this is the only way that it could happen at this time, so here I am and ready to make the changes to maintain the slower pace, but do it in full health.

p.s I've added a link (on the right) to a lot of my shutterfly pix - these are all very low res images and won't print well (purposefully done that way so they can't be used as stealing pix is a common practise) but if anyone wants the "real" thing, please email me.