Jaded

image For those of you who know me, you'll probably remember that i have been having an ongoing battle with my ex, Chris aka schizophrenic asshole. Well, this last week and the latest lawyer letters just pushed me over the edge and I said "enough!"

This must just be a lesson in non-attachment. I can't for the life of me think why else it would be happening.

I have to learn that regardless of how hard I have worked to make a future for myself I must trust that what I can't see is out there to take the place of what I am letting go of.

That this is a lesson in staying true to myself. That I may be naive, but I don't want to become mistrustful, skeptical, paranoid like Chris is. I have always been trusting and believed what people tell me and I can't let the actions of a schizophrenic derail who I am. I have to fight against becoming jaded.

It's hard, because by nature, I am a trusting, honest, logical person and when someone who I have known for a long time and at one time loved, turns on me for some unknown reason I know I have to accept that he has a mental disorder and IT IS NOT ME! That it is his illness and although it affects me to the core, there is ABSOLUTELY nothing I can do about it.

I am tired of being right and trying to prove it. I know I am and what I have tried to accomplish is the right thing to do and that is all I can count on.  I know I will be hammered by attorney-speak but all I can do is remain true to me. Letting go of what I earned is hard, but it is even harder to keep fighting. It just isn't worth it.