Why am I so crabby? What is wrong with me?Anyone looking at my life right now, from the outside, would think I have it made and that it is so exciting! I live in a cute house on the water; I have a great trip coming up; I pretty much do as I please, when I please! But from the inside it's a whole different view. Yet I think and tell myself I should be ok and excited about things but I am not. I am just cranky and out of sorts.
So I will list the good things, or what people look at as good things.
- I leave for California and Belize in two days and I will see Ryan
- I have housesitters coming to take care of the kitties
- There is some money in the bank
- The possibilities of a good job in England
- No resolution on the house which has pros and cons - the pros been I am not paying any rent and the cons being I have no idea how long I can stay here and even if I want to and where I would go
- Not much money in the bank and what is there is disappearing fast
- The idea that I have to keep working forever and that I need to take any job just to survive.
- My age
- This location
- The whole concept of moving to England if I should get this job is daunting.
I think a lot of this is boiling down to being on my own, and I understand why people, especially women of a certain age, will attach themselves, or remain attached to men with money. Just having that security would relieve so many of the concerns and worries. Just knowing that if I am to survive I have to take any job that comes my way, whether it is something I like to do or not. Because the pittance I have from Social Security and the odd jobs I run into, just doesn't cut it.
The money I have in my account, which of course I appreciate immensely, is a drop in the bucket to most people. Many people make that amount in a day and spend it without a thought. Although it takes some of the pressure off, and being frugal has a lot of benefits, it's a nagging issue that is constantly in the back of my mind and really limits how I think and what I do. Fear rears its ugly head!
Options are limited. Although some would say I have a lot. I can simply walk away from the house and go back to South Africa to live with family, like a poor relative. Same for New Zealand. Friends here say I can stay with them, but once again, I would feel like a complete loser.
Or I stay here as long as I can without paying any rent, enduring the weather and wait until "they" foreclose. But then what?
All these options leave me with "What do I do about the cats?" Those who know me and have been traveling this journey with me, know these 'boys" have been my little lifesavers for the past 6-7 years. And they are so bonded, they need to be re-homed together somewhere they are loved like I love them. That is going to be the toughest thing to do and it nags at me whenever I am pondering my situation.
Age, location, isolation - these are so intertwined, it's difficult to pull them apart. Living down here, despite the beauty of the place, has isolated me so much and turned me into a hermit. So much so that I have lost much of my confidence out in the real world. I have to dig deep to be sociable and that is exhausting. I've always been a bit of a loner, enjoying time on my own but this has become unhealthy. My self-confidence during my marriage was so eroded and beaten down, that getting out is very difficult. It's only recently that I have really understood the emotional abuse I suffered during that time. And I hate to make age and looks a factor, but they are.
The problem is, being my age and having experienced so much in my life, I know so much about who I am and what I need to do but am really stuck! And then that takes me back to the isolation and loneliness. Who do I talk to? Who is a non-judgmental sounding board? I know my friends want the best for me, but as they say, unless you walk in a person's shoes, you really don't know the true story.
The idea of a "real" job, with regular hours and paycheck etc., should be appealing but I am so used to "doing my own thing," I am afraid that my bravado (should I land the job) and experience, won't be enough to overcome the feelings of being controlled, something I know I fight against and have, all my life. I know I should be able to "change my thinking, change my life." This job, if it happens, would be a great opportunity for me, lots of travel, good benefits etc., so I am trying to look at it that way.
What it all boils down to is money, or the lack of it. Maybe I just have to be mercenary and look for a rich man but my experience with men has not been good and I feel very jaded about them. I know that there are women who do that and I never, ever thought I would have to become a gold-digger. But lottery tickets don't really work, I have no rich relative to leave me a fortune, so I have to find it myself.
This probably sounds like whining, but really, I just need to put it down in writing, vent, to try to figure this out.