With just two months left on my New Zealand visa, I am pondering and musing about my next steps in what has been called "my inappropriate life." Looks like a Class B campervan is on the horizon.
Wow, I have been writing this Gray Haired Lady ( GHL ) blog for almost nine years! The first post, back in September of 2005 is about planning a trip to Nicaragua and how excited I was about it. Unfortunately, it was just after that, that I became ill so the trip was abandoned!
What a shame. And I have been trying to go south ever since then.
A lot has changed since that early beginning; it started on blogger and I progressed to wordpress when it was pretty basic and now... this new site is pretty spiffy - at least I think it is.
Of course, my life was totally different then. I was married, we had just bought the cute house on the water in Bridgehaven, we were both working in real estate in Port Ludlow, WA. Now, I am single (again) my house in Bridgehaven is rented out, I am ungainfully unemployed (does that double negative create a job for me?) and staying with Susan and Dan in Colorado, a place I never expected to be spending any time.
So life throws us curveballs. And my life just keeps lobbing them at me!
For those of you who know me, you'll probably remember that i have been having an ongoing battle with my ex, Chris aka schizophrenic asshole. Well, this last week and the latest lawyer letters just pushed me over the edge and I said "enough!"
This must just be a lesson in non-attachment. I can't for the life of me think why else it would be happening.
I have to learn that regardless of how hard I have worked to make a future for myself I must trust that what I can't see is out there to take the place of what I am letting go of.
That this is a lesson in staying true to myself. That I may be naive, but I don't want to become mistrustful, skeptical, paranoid like Chris is. I have always been trusting and believed what people tell me and I can't let the actions of a schizophrenic derail who I am. I have to fight against becoming jaded.
It's hard, because by nature, I am a trusting, honest, logical person and when someone who I have known for a long time and at one time loved, turns on me for some unknown reason I know I have to accept that he has a mental disorder and IT IS NOT ME! That it is his illness and although it affects me to the core, there is ABSOLUTELY nothing I can do about it.
I am tired of being right and trying to prove it. I know I am and what I have tried to accomplish is the right thing to do and that is all I can count on. I know I will be hammered by attorney-speak but all I can do is remain true to me. Letting go of what I earned is hard, but it is even harder to keep fighting. It just isn't worth it.
I have become very aware of the cost of food in the last year, with my "situation," but I realized, after watching this movie, I don't have it bad at all. Really.
Watching the people featured in the film battle just for a meal - of any sort - was heartbreaking. And perhaps even more disturbing was the kind of foods they are forced to eat out of pure necessity. I cannot imagine what it would be like to go into a grocery store and find no fruit or vegetables! No wonder there is an obesity epidemic in this country. The only type of food that is even half-way affordable is a full range of carbs!
And despite the good intentions of the "faith-based" NGOs that are trying to help, the foods they are able to provide are completely processed, filled with preservatives and artificial coloring. As the young woman teacher who distributed food bags said, "At least it is food," although she cringed as she said it.
And then this is the dilemma faced by people at or near the poverty line, as was illustrated by a young, unmarried woman with two children. Unemployed and on public assistance aka food stamps and welfare, her two young children were provided with breakfast and lunch at the daycare. She was so excited when she finally got a job at $9 an hour. But then, food stamps stopped and the children didn't qualify for free meals. She was over the qualifying limit! What can she do? Give up her hopes and dreams of a better life? Or let her children go hungry? This is why people can't get off welfare! Yes, she was gainfully employed, something she really wanted, but now was unable to feed her children. $9 hour is not a living wage. So she is stuck in a system that is broken with no signs of being fixed.
It all boils down to big agribusiness who get fortunes in subsidies, lobbyists and greedy politicians. Why oh why can these people not see they are killing this country?
I suppose greed kills.