A nightmare - or a comedy?

I laugh about this now and I know I'll be really laughing when it's all over. Because if I don't laugh now. I'll be crying.

The purpose behind this blog was for friends to follow my travels, not as a journal of a journey through an illness. I've never been really ill and this is definitely a journey - into my mind and body - that maybe have been neglected for too long.

So to continue the saga ... The phone rings yesterday afternoon around 4:30 "Hullo, this is your favorite doctor. I want you to take a deep breath and not pass out." Great! Nice introduction!

So I sit and hear that the radiologists "missed" seeing a pulmonary embolism on my lung during the ct scan I had 9 days previously! the doc found it when he read the radiologist report which came across his desk yesterday. He was really pissed off and had talked to the radiologist and of course they had excuses (I guess this is where malpractise suits come in) Fortunately for me, nothing happened in those few days. Because that could have been catastrophic! So after talking to the pulmonary specialist at the U of W they decided that today I need to go in for another ct scan and doppler imaging of my legs to make sure there are no more clots.

Good grief! I feel like I am falling apart! Here I am, 56 years old, always healthy and all this shit happening! Things that are going on inside me that I can't feel or see - well not directly. I wonder what I could have done to prevent all this. Is it the stress that builds up and that has been a constant in my life for the last 20-odd years? Lack of exercise? Heredity? What? Is it because I have put others in front of me for so long?

I have never had a lot of sympathy for people who come across with the "poor me" attitude or for hypochondriacs so I have always tended to minimize what is going on - both to myself and the doctors, putting off seeing someone, always thinking it would "go away." Always afraid of looking weak, I think is what it comes down to.

So now I have no choice but to give in to what this is all about and learn to accept help from others and hold people able to do stuff I never thought they could. I have had to put aside my ideas of how things should be ( in my mind at least) and accept things as they are.

But I don't plan to let anyone run my medical health - I plan to stay totally involved now that I actually am feeling better. Those first days, I was a jellyfish. I would probably have agreed to just about anything anyone suggested. But not now.

I was the one who made the decision not to go to the hospital last night but to wait until this morning. I have to pack to maybe stay in there if the embolism is still there and they have to put me on anti-coagulants which they don't want to do as the primary problem I am having apparently is vascular. So if they use anti-coagulants there is a possibility of a "bleed-out" in my brain! Lovely thought! I suspect there are no embolisms or clots and I will be back home this afternoon.

So I have to laugh - crying isn't going to help, and as we are always told, "Laughter is the best medicine," so I want everyone to laugh with me and then I know I will be well soon.